Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I know Victoria's secret!!!!

Ok, so here's my thing.......My husband recently celebrated a birthday. I realize this should be a time of celebration but at my house it isn't! Every year for his birthday and our anniversary he asks for the same thing. You see, he has a dirty fantasy. His dream is for me to wear the "slave Leia" costume from Return of the Jedi. Do you remember it???? It's a little gold bikini complete with a shackle and chain around the neck!!!! Now, I'm not sure if this is a reminder for me that I am "shackled" to him for eternity (don't you just love it when Leia wraps the chain around Jabba the Hut's neck and kills him!!!!) or just a creepy guy thing. We have been married for 16 years now and he has requested this of me for every one of them! He has even gone so far as to reserve the costume from a local costume shop in my name just in case I want to pick it up on my way home from work. Now, I have two very strong objections to this. First, I have no doubt that one of my three children would walk into the room during the "re-enactment" and mistake me for Jabba the Hut! Second, I once attempted to wear lingerie for my husband years ago.....I ended up with 34 stitches.

Shortly after our first anniversary, while getting my hair cut, I was reading one of those slutty magazines. (You know the ones....They have all the secrets to bigger boobs, smaller hips, and how to satisfy your man with common items found in the refrigerator!) There was an article that describe how men are more prone to have an affair in the first 7 years of marriage. This article went on to describe countless ways to "keep your man satisfied". In an effort to save my marriage I continued reading this article. I became determined to save my marriage!!!! As I read the list I started to worry. Many of the things on the list were out of the question for me! I mean, honestly, like I would be able to install a swing from the ceiling of our bedroom. I considered the suggestion of going to a get together where I nonchalantly whispered into my husband's ear, "I'm not wearing underwear". You were supposed to follow this up with a quick "sneak-peak". I'm sure this works well in the movies but let me tell you the reality of the situation. If you have big thighs like mine, it loses something to have to pry your sweaty thighs apart for the "sneak-peak". Not to mention, 15 minutes of my thighs rubbing together would leave them looking like a bad case of teenager acne. I finally found a suggestion that would work for me. I would leave the house for a routine reason and come home wearing something sexy underneath. When I came home and started changing my husband would be overcome with desire and love for me, his wonderful wife.

Part one of my plan consisted of me going to the store to buy lingerie. Now, when my sister got married she received about 30 different lingerie outfits. When I had my bridal shower I was given cookware. I'm sure there is a message in there somewhere. I decided to go to the very best for my plan. I drove to the mall and entered a Victoria's Secret. I must admit I was a little overwhelmed when 5 girls "came at me" with measuring tapes. Since I knew I hadn't been "Sweating to the Oldies" with Richard Simmons, I started to quickly retreat. This was when I discovered Victoria's secret! She doesn't make anything in that store that would fit me!!!!!! I found the biggest employee (size 4 1/2 I think) and told her my situation. She said she would help me find the perfect number. She brought me some things to peruse. I started to get into the spirit of things when I noticed a pirate patch among the outfits. I love pirates and besides this patch had a fancy bow on the back of it!!! I put it on my right eye and started hopping around the store yelling "aaaarrrgggghhh". Boy was my husband going to be excited! When the girl came back with more ideas for me she had this look of utter horror on her face. I must admit I wasn't very happy when she told me to take my patch off. I told her she would have to make me or walk the plank!!! This was when she whispered into my ear that I had a pair of panties on my head. She calmly showed me how the elastic was supposed to "tuck neatly" up my butt crack out of the way leaving only the bow showing in the back. The front part (remember, it was only big enough to cover my right eye) was supposed to cover the front of my delicate maidenhood!!!!!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WAS SHE THINKING??????? Horrible thoughts started racing through my head! If these were panties then were was that piece of parchment paper that has to cover the crotch until the consumer purchases it? Can you get a yeast infection in your eye??? Would you even see the small triangle of black fabric under the roll of fat that would fall over it????? I couldn't help but ask these questions. At this point I was humiliated. I quickly bought the undies (what choice did I have now) and a top to match and ran for my car!!!!!!!

Part two of my plan was about as successful as the first. I rarely went anywhere in the first years of marriage with the exception of water aerobics. Now, after the lingerie experience I was starting to doubt the wisdom of this carefully planned seduction. As I was leaving for my class I decided to up the ante, so to speak. I left my underthings at home and only brought my "pirate number" with me. I managed to make it through another night of water aerobics without drowning myself. When class ended I made my way to the locker room. I must be a shy person by nature because I have never been able to strip totally naked in a locker room in front of complete strangers. While my fellow classmates where butt naked hosing each other off, I carefully tried to get as much chlorine off my body while keeping my swimsuit on!! At the Provo Recreation Center there is a big room where people can change. They also have bathroom stalls and 3 rooms to change in that have curtains. I was able to secure a room with a curtain to change in. At last, I thought, a sign from heaven above!!!! This quickly proved to be a mistake. As I took my swimsuit off and turned to get my "pirate patch" my wet butt stuck to the curtain yanking it open. There I was exposed for all to see. OH, THE HORROR!!! I can't quite remember now but I am sure there were gasps. I like to equate it to the feeling you have when you are at the zoo watching a gorilla eat his own poop! I tried turning the other way but the curtain was still stuck to my butt. At this point I grabbed my clothes and ran to a bathroom stall. I took the handicapped stall because 1: it is bigger then the other stalls and 2: how many wheelchair bound people do water aerobics????

Have you ever gone to the bathroom in a swimming facility??? Well, the floor is completely covered in water. This wouldn't be so bad if it was fresh water but it is chlorinated brown water. Why is it brown you ask??? Because people who haven't entered the pool yet have walked barefoot through the bathroom to the pool. All of the dirt, fungus, and grim from there feet mingles and mixes with the wet floor to create a sludgy substance. Added to this is clumps of toliet paper. Now, I've never been able to understand how the toilet paper ends up on the floor and after this experience I stopped trying to figure it out. Well, I was finally at the moment of truth. I pulled out the "pirate patch" and started putting it on. As I lifted my foot to place it into the panties, my other foot slipped on the above mentioned sludge floor. I went down faster then a quart of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Unfortunately for me, my head broke the fall by hitting the, yes this is a true story, Tampon receptacle!!!! As I cut my eye open on the sharp corner of the menstruation contraption it threw me backwards where I struck my head on the toilet paper holder and the toilet seat. (If only I had thought to wrap one of the seat protectors around my head before I began). At this point, I was propelled underneath 3 stalls.

When I came to.....Several things registered in my brain at once. The first was I was bleeding from at least two open wounds. The second was my head was resting in the crotch of some stranger's underwear. The third was this stranger wasn't going "number one". Trying to save what little dignity I had left, I attempted to get up and out of this stall as quickly as possible. I was very dizzy and had to literally crawl my way up this poor woman. If only I had successfully gotten the panties on before the fall! Then the woman could look at the bow on my butt as I tried to leave. Upon leaving the stall I fell to my knees with weakness. This attracted some attention. Several people came over to assist me. I tried to tell them I would be alright but I guess they didn't believe me since someone called 911. As I was trying to find the pieces of my lingerie (yes, I broke the elastic in the fall), the paramedic arrived. They tried to clean me up but suggested I come with them to the hospital for stitches. I resisted until one of them reminded me I should probably have a tetanus shot due to the possible feces that entered my body. It looked like a trip to the hospital was in my near future.

At this point I tried to find my clothes for my next adventure. I found my shirt in the toilet and my pants were behind it soaking wet. Since the lingerie was ripped, someone suggested I put my swimsuit back on. Have you ever tried to put a wet bathing suit back on? It wasn't very successful. I couldn't even get it untangled. So yep, you guessed it, I went to the hospital in a towel. After watching the emergency room team laugh hysterically, they stitched me up. I had a grand total of 34 stitches, one antibiotic shot, and one tetanus shot. After 4 hours I drove home (I refused to let them call my husband). As I opened the front door my husband quickly ran to the door. He said he had been frantic with worry and where had I been. Then he looked at me with concern in his eyes and demanded to know where I had been and what had happened. I took the broken elastic from the panties and used it as a sling shot. After hitting my husband with the bow I started sobbing. I told him to go ahead and have an affair! I then ran up the stairs and locked myself in my room for 2 days.

So there you have it. My sad story of why I am anti-lingerie. Do you understand why I cannot wear the Princess Leia costume? I mean, what's a girl supposed to do???? If you have any ideas let me know! Help me Obi Wan Kenobe.....You're my only hope!