My Not So Funny Valentine

Ok…so here’s my thing; Valentine’s Day is coming. I HATE this holiday!! It is right after Thanksgiving on my worst holiday ever list!!!! This has never been a good day for me. For instance, I am allergic to chocolate. Every year, my husband, inspired by Homer Simpson, gives me a big box of chocolate. He then eats the whole box in front of me! One year, I was so annoyed I ate the chocolate and ended up in the hospital. In 2004, I decided I would try to make a good Valentine’s Day memory.

As I was driving home from work one day, I heard about a contest the local radio station was having. One lucky recipient would receive a $10,000 make over. Holy crap! It was as if God was talking to me from a burning bush! I was positive this make over was MINE! The winner would get the following:

• Lasik eye surgery (I’m blind as a bat. I’ve had to put braille on my love handles so I know how many I have!)
• Laser teeth whitening (My teeth aren’t even in the white family. They are more yellow then the snow my 4 year old likes to eat.)
• A personal trainer
• A gym membership
• Gastric Bypass Surgery or lap band surgery (Band???? I could fit a whole orchestra in my pants…and like it!)
• Hair (Cut, style, color, etc.)
• Make-up
• New clothing
• A week at a spa!

Words cannot describe how badly I wanted to win this prize. All I had to do was submit a picture and an essay explaining why I should win.

No problem! One day I came home from work and spent two hours searching for my frumpiest outfit. I finally settled on an old pair of pj’s. I took off my bra and let the girls gravitate to their nesting ground: just above my knees. I polished my Coke bottle glasses up so the dark circles under my eyes could be seen. I didn’t wash my hair for days so it would look greasy. (It worked. It actually looked chewy.) I stuck my buckteeth out as far as I could get them. Then I took about 25 pictures. I brought several friends over to evaluate which shot I looked the worst in. I wrote my sob story down, got an oversized envelope to mail my picture in and sent it off. The rest is history…..

Soon after, as I was driving home from work I got a call from my husband. He said he had a great surprise for me when I got home. This was it! I raced into the house and awaited the big news. My husband sat me down and informed me that…..HE had been selected for a Valentine’s Day make over show! What the *@#$@ It turns out that, “inspired” by my idea; he decided to apply for a contest on his favorite radio station. His sports talk radio station, 1280 the Zone, was having a contest called: Queer eye for the sports guy. Imagine his parent's horror when they were told their son entered a contest with the word "Queer" in it. (They were serving an LDS mission in San Francisco at the time!)

As I sat there watching my husband beam with pride I imaged what body part I would dismember first. He turned on the radio, tuned it to 1280 and jumped up and down as the radio announcers discussed the winner of their contest. Words cannot describe my feelings as I listened to the announcers discuss my husband. They used words like: loser, slob, and train wreck. These comments were based on the picture and essay he sent in.

Now, unlike me, he put no thought into his picture. He just grabbed one of himself and sent it in. Steve sitting in a recliner eating a piece of pizza during a Lord of the Rings marathon. The picture wasn’t even staged!!!!!

Here is a copy of the essay he sent in:

Why do I need the most help? Because I am an: unemployed, 36 year old, overweight, bald, full-time student, BYU and SF 49er fan, and father of three. As you can see I am not exactly prince charming right now. My wife works full time so that I can go to school, so it is she that really deserves the benefits of my winning this contest. Also, in our house Valentine’s Day has always been a downer. Our first Valentine’s Day was while we were engaged and instead of a romantic day together, we spent the day apart because I was in bed with mono. As a result it is hard for my wife to get excited for Valentine’s Day each year. My wife has also had to put up with a very grumpy husband lately, as a result of the fact that my teams have all sucked. So from a man who is in the depths of despair, please, please pick me. Thank You.

With tears streaming down my face, I listened as my husband explained what he had won. A limo would be picking him up in the morning. He would be taken to breakfast. He would be taken to a spa. He would be taken to lunch. He would receive a $1000 outfit. He would be taken to Victoria’s Secret to get something for me (if you don’t know how I feel about this read my other blogs). He would get $500 to spend in a jewelry store. He would get a limo, roses, and a dinner for Valentine’s Day for the two of us. Oh yeah….did I mention he would be accompanied by the “Zone girls” for the day???? These are scantily clad women whose IQ is less then the circumference of their nipple!

Now, I consider myself to be very reasonable. But, you have to understand a few things about us. First, I sold my house in Logan, Utah and moved into my in-laws house in Bountiful, Utah so my husband could finish school. Second, I went to work full time to put my husband through school. I really tried to be gracious as I listened to my husband explain that he would be missing school so he could go to the spa and Victoria’s Secret with the dang Zone girls!!!!

Well, Steve’s big day finally arrived. As I drove off to work I was speechless. The neighbors were congregating outside our house awaiting the arrival of the limo and the “girls”. It was too much for me. I punched the gas pedal and stormed off to work thinking I would find some peace and quiet there. No such luck! My co-workers were talking about the contest oblivious to my connection to the winner. They had the radio station on so they could hear the updates throughout the day.

I tried to concentrate on work as I listened to these updates. I was humiliated as the DJ explained they had to stop for a snack because “fatty” needed to eat again. I felt like crawling under a rock when they explained how much wax was needed for his eyebrows. I almost lost bladder control when they interviewed Steve on the radio. They asked Steve to describe his purchase at Victoria’s Secret. He actually said…”It’s sexy yet tasteful”. ??? What the crap does that mean?

After my 10 hour day AT WORK, I decided to listen to 1280 on my way home. I just about caused a major pile up as I listened to my husband describe what he got me at the jewelry store…a $500 pair of earrings. @#@$#@#$ I DON’T have pierced ears!!!!!!!!! My husband and I arrived home at the same time. I asked if I could look in the limo but the driver was late and had to leave.

I patiently gazed upon my husband’s newly waxed body as he explained why he picked out earrings. (He didn’t get to choose them…the jewelry company made him take them). He told me how wonderful the Zone girls were. He showed me the lingerie he picked out (as if he would be seeing me naked in the next 10 years!!!) I decided I would try to be a good sport. After all, I would get to ride in a limo and have a dinner the next night right?

Wrong! It turns out the limo was overbooked so we had to drive ourselves. (This was very disappointing as I had never been in a limo before. The limo driver gave my girls a ride to school the previous day so I was the only one in the family who has not been in a limo!)

We drove to the fancy French restaurant, which only serves seafood! Since I don’t eat seafood I ordered the “Eiffel Tower”. (French fries shaped like; yes you guessed it, the Eiffel Tower). Oh well, my husband did look very nice in the lovely outfit the Zone babes picked out for him. He became the neighborhood hero for a while. He was asked to write an article for the ward newsletter. His pictures were posted on the 1280 website so everyone could see the before and after shots. He also had an experience he will never forget!

Are you wondering what happened to the contest I applied for??? I got a lovely letter from the radio station on Valentine’s Day informing me they chose someone else because I had “too much to work with”!

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!!