Buffalo don't eat corn.........

Just in case people think that last blog was my only humiliating moment.....Ok, so here's my thing....I love to travel!!! Every year I try to take my family to Yellowstone National Park. This place is totally amazing. Over the years I have had some incredible memories of this place. (Even though I have yet to see someone gored by a buffalo! I mean, honestly, people are so stupid. I can't tell you how many times I have seen someone poking a buffalo in the butt with a stick to get it to stand up and pose for a picture!!!) However, no matter how hard I try, no matter what awesome things I see, NO memory will ever be able to replace what I call the "Yellowstone moment".

Ok, the first thing you have to understand is my husband has bathroom issues!!!! (Actually, he has many issues! If you have recently read Thoroughly Mormon Millie's blog you would understand. He is the owner of the all Star War's Christmas tree!) He went on an LDS mission to Mexico and brought back 21 little friends! Over the years these parasites come and go but Steve basically just has to go and go and go. He has been known to watch full length movies and once Season 2 of Magnum PI in the bathroom while "going". Once, Steve and my sister's boyfriend decided to drive down to Arizona together. About 3:oo am I got a phone call from the boyfriend. He thought Steve was a victim of some creepy, X-files, alien abduction at a gas station in Kanab. He said Steve had been missing for over an hour. I had to calm him down and instruct him to check with the gas station attendant to see if the bathroom key (you know the one they connect to a toilet seat so you don't steal it) had been returned. True enough, John Ed, came back to the phone to inform me the key was still missing. He yelled through the keyhole and verified my true love was alive and well (minus the numb butt cheeks). What is the point of this story you ask???? After the gas station episode, Steve became obsessed with "bowel movement vacation planning" When ever we travel, about a week before we leave Steve starts his own personal home remedy to keep us out of rest stops.

Before this particular trip I had not been functioning as normally as I would have liked. We had just returned from visiting some friends. Now, as you can imagine from the comments above, Steve feels he is the authority on all things poop related. Over the course of our years together there have been a few times when the toilet may have overflowed after I used it. Now, I am sure I am not the only person on the planet who has clogged up the toilet. However, my husband has me totally convinced that I have larger then normal poop. It is because of this that I CANNOT under any circumstances poop at people's houses. I mean, what would I do if I clogged a friend's toilet???? Yell "fire in the hole" and run away????? Since we had spent 3 days at a friend's house I hadn't cleaned myself out for days. Since this isn't LA I couldn't exactly run out for a high colonic.

Well, my dear sweet husband decided that I needed to "get my bowels" moving again so we could enjoy every moment in Yellowstone. The days preceding our departure my husband "prescribed" a fiber diet and a daily stool softener. (by the way....Who decided that stool would be a great name for both poop and a wooden chair you sit on????) Being the dutiful, obedient wife I took my stool softener with a sweet smile on my face. (Okay, it was more to shut him up but I let him think I was obedient). We packed up the car and away we went!

What a beautiful drive we had! We saw Eagles, Grizzly Bears, Brown Bears, Wolves, Moose, basically we saw everything except for a bowel movement from yours truly. Every time I came out of the bathroom, there was my husband with his bathroom log! As he asked what number I produced, I watched him shake his head in worry. Now I was starting to become panicked. Was I going to die of an impacted colon???? How long could the average person go without pooping before you had to contact an oil drilling company to unplug you???? Did I need to swallow some string so he could pull it out the other end??? I needed help! It is only because Steve had me all worked up into this frantic state that I agreed to his suggestion. Before we started our day at Norris Geyser Basin Steve handed me 2!!!!! Stool softeners with a glass of prune juice! At this point I had been on the stool softening juice for about a week.

I don't know if you have been to Norris Geyser Basin but you need to understand two things. First, it is stove's favorite hike in Yellowstone. Second, the total loop is over 2 miles long. We joyfully strolled to Steamboat Geyser (I want to see that thing go off before I die). We passed Puff 'n Stuff Geyser and Green Dragon Geyser. And then it happened. As we were looking at the beautiful Porkchop Geyser (that is really it's name) my bowels made a noise that would scare a grown man! (Actually, I think an old tourist thought it was a werewolf growling!) There I was, miles from the nearest bathroom when my poop decided to make it's move. I froze in my tracks. I immediately did everything I could think of. I prayed, crossed myself (that might have worked if I was Catholic), I clenched my butt checks together, but one thing became apparent..... That poop was coming out one way or another. I quickly filled my husband in on the situation explaining that I needed a bathroom. It was then that my charming prince said to me, "but this is my favorite hike". I unclogged my ears in case I had misunderstood him. Didn't he just hear me explain that my bowels were going to explode??? What part didn't he get??? He kindly suggested that I run (didn't he understand that you can't run while clenching butt checks together?) two miles back to the bathroom. He informed me that he would continue on the hike and "catch up with me later". UNBELIEVABLE! I was comforted knowing that if I died all fingers would point to him when they found toxic levels of STOOL SOFTENERS in my system. I coldly replied, "fine". I started down the path when he called me back to his side. For a brief moment my heart softened. I thought okay, maybe he will see me naked again in this lifetime. My heart plummeted to the ground as reality set in. Steve just wanted me to take the binoculars (since I was going anyway) and the back pack (since it had Tucks Medicated Pads in it....He never travels unprepared). Once again, I started on the road back when a sweet little voice was heard calling, "mommy, wait up". This was the straw that broke the camels back!!! My husband yelled after me that, "since I was going anyway" I should cart my 7 year old back with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He reminded me that he was taking Madison so the least I could do was help out by taking Brittney!

What followed next will live with me always. Remember Poltergeist? Remember when the mom needs to get to the door at the end of the hallway? The camera pans out and the door appears to be miles away. She runs and runs but the door doesn't get any closer! BINGO. I told dear sweet Brittney that we were going to try dad's suggestion and RUN! I really gave this a good effort but every time I ran, my bowels loosened more and more. I would run three steps and then have to stop, cross my legs, and pant. I literally had sweat pouring down my face. I tried Lamaze breathing (he he ha), I tried sitting on my butt and scooting along, I tried physically holding it in but I finally knew the awful truth........I was going to have to deface a National Park by pooping on the side of the path.

Now, I am a law abiding person! I have religiously taught my kids to follow the rules. All over the park there are signs that say, "thin crust area, stay on the path". On our way to the park we read our children a recent article describing how some kids had died from falling into the thermal waters at Yellowstone. It is for this reason that Brittney freaked out when I told her she was going to have to stand watch while I took care of business off the path. Brittney started crying, yelling for her dad because I was going to die. I looked around and spotted a sign from heaven.....A buffalo chip!!!! I pointed it out to Britt and asked, "if this spot can hold a buffalo, don't you think it can hold mommy!" (let me just take a moment to remind you to NEVER ask a child a question like this. You will be totally annoyed while they ponder the answer and then ask, "how much more do you weigh then the buffalo?"!!!!) Totally annoyed, I informed my child that she had a very important job to do. Her job was to stand as a lookout! If she saw or heard anyone coming she was to yell like there was no tomorrow.

I gently stepped off the path. I positioned myself about 5 feet from the buffalo chip. I briefly considered the headlines in the paper should I die with my butt plugging up a newfound geyser. Cursing the fact that I was wearing overalls, I put the backpack in my teeth while frantically trying to undo my overall straps. At this point, I knew things could get messy. As fast as I could, I dropped the straps, reached through my legs to grab them, shoved them into my mouth to join the backpack (I have a very big mouth), and dropped my drawers. Have you seen Dumb and Dumber? Remember when that one guy has the bathroom moment? Remember in Ace Ventura when Jim Carey says "do not go in there"? Remember in Daddy Daycare when Eddie Murphy opens the bathroom door to looks at the ceiling in horror? This was worse. One month's worth of poop came flying out of me in a semi-liquid form. My eyes rolled back in my head, I might have blacked out for a few moments. What was worse was I got to see it magnified because I had the damn binoculars around my neck pointed at the massive pile of goo! The only bright moment for me was the realization that I just lost 9 pounds in 3 seconds. I was putting the lid back on the Tucks reveling in my newfound liberation when I heard the blood-curdling yell from Britt. CRAP (literally)! Someone was coming!

I jumped back onto the path and ran with my straps trailing behind me. I swooped down, grabbed them and started buckling, all the while holding the backpack in my teeth. As I pulled the last strap over my shoulder and started fastening it, a kid around the age of 9 came running down the path. A few feet later, his parents followed. I took advantage of this teaching moment by stopping and hugging my child. I thanked her for her help and pointed out that everything was going to be fine. This was when we heard the little boy who had passed us yell, "mom, dad, I see a buffalo chip!". Brittney and I froze. Yep, you guessed it! This was followed by, "hey, this one is still fresh". We glanced behind us in horror. This boy had a stick and was, remember this is a true story, STIRRING MY POOP WITH A STICK!!!! Now I love nature a lot! However, I can't think of any instance when I would encourage my children to stir feces with a stick. The parents were approaching the child with a look of pride on their face. As they got closer to the massive pile of poop this little boy yelled, "I didn't know buffalo ate corn". The mom took the stick from the boy and she started examining my dump!!!!!! What is wrong with these people???? It was about the time I saw a used Tucks fly through the air that the mom exclaimed, "this isn't buffalo shit.....This is people shit!". DUH! What gave it away??? The Tucks or the corn??? At this point I yelled to my daughter, "RUN"!!!!

We ran until I thought my lungs would explode. (This didn't take much because we were both laughing so hard!) Once we got back to the Ranger Station we sat and waited for Steve and Madison to finish their hike. Finally, over the horizon, there they were! Britt and I went to meet them with happy, stool free smiles when we noticed the poop stirring family in back of them. I could have killed my dear sweet Madison when she yelled out......."Mom, did you make it to the bathroom on time?"

Well, there you have it! I have decided over the years that I am God's court jester. My life is one embarrassing moment after another. I wish these were isolated events but they are not. If your day is somehow brighter from reading my sad stories then let me know! I have plenty more of these!!!!