Wednesday, December 27, 2006

One-eyed Jack (or Jolene in this case!)

Okay, so here’s my thing…..I believe every person should engage in service. It is a great way to focus on what is important in life. Whenever I am feeling upset, depressed or stressed I try to insert a little bit of service into my life. Unfortunately for me, more often then not these service opportunities seldom turn out the way I want them to!

For example, I work retail. During this time of year the hours can be long and harried. The stress of the holiday season was recently getting to me. I found myself experiencing a bad case of tourette syndrome after being yelled at for the fourth time that day by a guest who couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t tell them everything on the ad that would be coming out in 3 days!!!!

Then I had to clean up a level 3 spill on the magazine aisle. (A Level 3 spill indicates a spill that could possibly contain hazardous materials ie…blood, throw up, chemicals, bodily fluid) You don’t want to know what it was but a guest slipped on it and fell AND the person who left it was arrested for shoplifting ladies panties and indecent exposure!

About this time I decided I needed to perform some form of service so I could remember what the season was all about. Outside the front doors there was a collection of people who had been camping out to buy a WII Nintendo system. They had been out there for days and it was very cold. I decided I would take them some hot chocolate. Now, I'm allergic to chocolate. However, I decided I could safely get the chocolate to the guests outside without coming in contact with it.

I went to the food area to pour the chocolate. UNBELIEVABLE! The machine was broken. I decided this was Satan’s attempt to stop my act of service in its tracks! I was not going to let this alter my plans. I was determined to do a nice deed! I went and bought a can of Swiss Miss (with marshmallows even!) and made 15 cups of steaming, hot chocolate. I carefully carried the cups to the front door. I balanced the cups on a row of carts. I unlocked the front doors, picked up the tray of chocolate and proceeded to spill it onto my crotch! It was so cold outside I could actually see the steam coming off my pants!

As the hot beverage soaked into my clothes, I ran to my office. I scrambled to find my epinephrine pen. I gave myself a shot and grabbed my inhaler. I had the pleasure of managing the store the rest of the day with a chocolate stained crotch while trying to walk without rubbing the hives and blisters raw that formed between my legs!

This brings to mind another time in Logan, Utah when my service goals went awry. I was assigned to visit-teach a blind lady in my ward. This lady was very kind but was very high maintenance due to a drug addiction. During the time I knew her I went above and beyond the call of duty to try and help her any way possible.

I once drove her to the local Wal-Mart (there was no Target in Logan!) and helped her pick out lingerie for a special night with her husband. I wished I was blind when she asked me to help her get the outfit on and then, “How do I look?”

Another time, I invited her to come to a ward party. The men were going to be serving the women dinner. I arrived at her house to pick her up and found she wasn’t ready. I asked her if I could help in any way. WAY WRONG QUESTION!!!!! She asked me if I could put her eyeballs in! What the #@##%#$#@. Up to this point in our relationship I didn’t know she had glass eyes. I actually would have been okay never knowing this information. (I had a beautiful neighbor who once told me she shaved her big toes and that was all I could think of for years.)

My neighbor explained to me how to tell which way they went and I proceeded to “pop” them in. I got them in and immediately noticed one didn’t look quite right. From the side view my neighbor looked like Igor from Young Frankenstein. The Christ like thing to do would be to “pop” the eye back out and start over. However, I’m not very Christ like. I took her to the party with the bulging eyeball.

Midway through the meal, Jolene started complaining that her eye felt dry. (Since I put the eye in upside down, her eyelid wasn’t closing over it properly.) She asked me to help put some wetting drops into THE eye. No way, Jose! I could see that thing was only holding on by a thread. Finally, we got to the speaker portion of the evening. As we were listening to the talk, Jolene……sneezed.

Yep, you guessed it! Her eyeball flew out of her eye and started rolling across the floor. All I can say is at these stressful times in my life I tend to have tourette's. There I was, chasing this poor lady’s eyeball across the floor. Thank heavens for the microphone cord! It stopped the eyeball. I grabbed that slippery little sucker and raced back to the table. I tried to clean it off by rubbing it on the hem of my skirt but that was creeping me out. I decided to drop it into my glass of ice water to get it all clean and shiny again. (Besides, she said it was dry)

Just in case this ever happens to you….I don’t recommend putting an eyeball in a glass full of ice water. It tends to ruin the spirit when people start screaming. I took the eyeball out with my spoon, breathed on it to try to warm it up, and put it back where it belonged.

The moral of my story is…..For about a year after this whenever I thought of the scripture…..When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God…..I could only think of that eye, floating in my cup of ice, staring at me!!!!!

21 comments:

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Jolene, I'm begging of you please, have your glass eyes put in BEFORE I pick you up.

Not that we should be cracking jokes about a blind lady - but my heavens... this could only happen to you.

taffi said...

Note to self: quit reading Coz's blog during the middle of the night. Holding in hysterical laughter is painful.

Anonymous said...

True story?????!!!! I'm more than a tad concerned about this strange woman in Logan. ROFL!!!! Bless her *Chrissie tries to resume a sensible face*

How do these things happen to you? Do you have *Bring it on* tattooed across your forehead??

Anonymous said...

You are a better woman than me! I don't think I could ever help another human being try on lingerie!!!

I don't know if the eyeball incident was more funny or horrifying for me to read. Your writing is so visual. You've had such an interesting life!

BTW, there *still* is no Target in Logan. I guess that's why I finally had to move away! ;)

Anonymous said...

OH my you have such a way of bring humour to almost any situation! Thank you for brightening my day and for giving me another way of looking at things!

Anonymous said...

Oh, my goodness gracious. That was so funny.

And I can't believe that she wanted you to do those things. And that you DID. You are a better woman than I!

Coz said...

Not that I'm pointing fingers at anyone but....guess who assigned me to visit teach this sweet lady!!!! If you guessed Thoroughly Mormon Millie then you are right!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Note to self: Never ask Coz to pop my eyeball in.

I'm so sorry about the following, but it has to be written: other people (as in not me) and who are not models, in lingerie = ewwww. No gracias.

Stop putting weird images in my head COZ!!!!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Well, if I remember right, we were pretty "change-happy" when it came to visiting teaching - we liked switching everyone around as often as possible.

But again, if I remember right, she didn't ever get switched off your route, did she? :)

And nowhere in the visiting teaching code are there rules about helping someone try on lingerie or popping in their glass eyeballs. You did that on your own, honey.

Sally said...

This is without a doubt, the funniest blog ever. I'm addicted.

Sketchy said...

Wow...

I know a song about a lady taking out her glass eye on her wedding night, want me to teach you the lyrics?

Maybe you could just tweak it a bit to fit your situation...

compulsive writer said...

First I keep thinking that your next post can't be any funnier than your last.

Then I keep thinking that you have to be making this stuff up.

Each time I am thinking wrong.

No one could make up stuff this good.

I think I have discovered the cure for depression...

...reading the Coz's blog!

Anonymous said...

Hey, Angela told me to come read some of these posts, and I did. You have an incredible gift for storytelling. Keep up the great work on this blog. You've got a good thing going here.

Anonymous said...

I shouldn't be reading this at 1 in the morning, but I can't stop myself. I nearly die laughing every time you put up a new post!

Why in the name of all that is earthly would you agree to help another woman into lingerie? That image alone will give me nightmares tonight.

Anonymous said...

Oh my I love your blog. It is guaranteed to brighten my day.

I used to work with visually impaired children and this episode brought back memories.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

The sad thing about the eyeball story is that it probably put you off goat eyeball stew forever. And it was such a favorite at your house.

Anonymous said...

I dont' even have a response. It's one of those perfect comic moments that need no epitaph!

I'm rather sad I wasn't in the ward with you and Millie in Logan. Mine lacked this sense of the absurd.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear, I can see me spending a lot of time at this blog. A friend said it was too good to miss and I have to agree...I have taken note from some of the comments already posted - I must not read this in the early hours of the morning unless suitable precautions have been taken...:o)

nita said...

Oh my goodness, thank you for the many laughs. I found your blog from the Ketchup Bottle blog! That poor sister. And poor you, have awfully funny for both of you. I have seen a glass eye before (I work in a nursing home) but luckily never had to insert it. I've only had to help w/denture insertion or hearing aide insertion. Some day this scene you described of chasing the eyeball and helping pick the lingerie would be perfect scenes to include in some of the LDS cinema! Oh my, I'm still laughing!

Rebecca said...

I hope you write more soon!!! You are SO hilarious and a fantastic writer and storyteller. You're going into my favorite blogs links!!!!!

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