Adventures in Breastfeeding!

Okay, so here’s my thing……..I had an experience recently that caused me to ponder my feelings about breastfeeding. Now, before you get upset and send me hate mail let me assure you, all of my babies suckled at their mother’s breast. I believe it is a great way to bond and get all of your vitamins for the day. Blah, blah, blah! However, there is a point where enough is enough!!!! Let me explain.

I was recently visiting teaching. (For those of you who are not familiar with Mormons, this is a program in my church where women in the neighborhood visit other women. We give them a message and words of hope and encouragement.) On this particular visit I found myself bringing along my 4 ½ year old daughter. I normally would leave her home but the house I was visiting had a boy the same age as my child. My neighbor and I thought if the children played together then we would have a more enjoyable visit.

Upon entering the house, my daughter and the boy, let’s call him “Chester”, ran off to play. I was having a nice relaxing visit with my neighbor. I found myself wondering why I didn’t hang out with this girl more often. After about 20 minutes, my daughter and “Chester” came into the room. The children announced loudly their need for a drink. I immediately started to rise to help when my eyes widened in horror. Sweet little 5-year old “Chester” started undoing the buttons on Mommy’s shirt. What in the name of all that is holy was this kid doing? Mommy continued the conversation without missing a beat while my daughter and I watched speechlessly.

What great hand-eye coordination this child had! He easily undid all 12 buttons (13 if you counted the clip on the nursing bra!!!!), gently pulled out a boob and started to drink. I am normally not a girl of limited speech but what do you say to that??? “I would like mine shaken not stirred!”??? The best I could come up with was “Wow”. My daughter, however, piped up with her cherubic voice and said, “Is that a drinking fountain?” I found myself grabbing her as she started forward for her turn.

As “Chester” came up for air I found myself thinking he resembled a vampire with the blood from his latest kill oozing out his mouth. As the little Dracula wiped the milk from his chin and exclaimed, “Yum” I found myself uttering sounds like a dolphin. The mother quickly explained to me the benefits of breastfeeding children. She patiently explained how your chances of breast cancer go down if you breastfeed children through the fifth year of life. I found her concern with cancer humorous since this woman obviously used a tanning bed. Trust me on this one! It’s the dead of winter and those boobs were evenly tanned (with no tan lines I might add!)

I asked the mother if she wanted a moment to finish feeding time but she said no. She gave me a lecture on the right of a mother to breastfeed any time and any place she wanted. I wholeheartedly disagreed. She was quite offended by this. However, she didn’t understand where I was coming from. (Remember in “To Kill a Mockingbird” when the dad tells his child that you don’t truly understand where a person is coming from until you “walk around in their skin”? Well, this mother couldn’t possibly understand my reservations on breastfeeding in public without “walking around in my lactating boobs!)

After the birth of my second child I had a breastfeeding moment that scarred me for life. I was attending church with my husband and two children. I have always had a policy of sitting as close to the front as possible. I have found my children misbehave less when there are no children in front of them. For the longest time we sat in the second pew from the front. The pew in front of us was occupied by the men (most wards use boys but our ward didn’t have any) who passed the sacrament. Once sacrament was over, these men would sit with their families leaving no one in front of us.

Moments before the sacrament was to begin my baby started to cry. It was time to feed her. My husband suggested that I stay in the meeting and feed her there. I gave him a crusty look and snorted at this idea. He pointed out several women in the chapel who were doing exactly that. These petite, cute moms had blankets modestly draped over their shoulders. Since it seemed to be working for them, I decided to give it a try.

It took several minutes of trying to get my 38HH boob out of its confinement. Now, did you know that when you have horrendously large boobs full of milk, the second they are free milk tends to dribble out of them until a little mouth begins to catch the liquid? I could feel the milk soaking my skirt as I tried to get my baby under the blanket and “hooked up”, all the while holding the blanket in place with my chin. While juggling the baby, I dropped my soaked nursing pad onto my shoe, “SPLAT”. I was determined, however, to make this work. At last I managed to find a comfortable position for the baby. My husband helped tuck the blanket over my shoulder to hold it in place. I had one arm under the baby and the other was holding back the large boob mass so my child wouldn’t be smothered to death. I couldn’t believe my success!!!!

After a few minutes my oldest child glanced over at me. I guess she was confused at what I was doing because she came over and pulled the blanket off!!!! A few things happened at once: First, Madison jerked her head as the blanket was flung off. Second, as she broke the connection my 38HH boob started spraying milk across the backs and necks of the men waiting to pass the sacrament. Third, the bishopric seated on the stand started to laugh. Fourth, I dropped the baby as I tried to grab the blanket. Fifth, the baby started to scream. Sixth, pretty much everyone who attended church saw my boob! To this day I can still see the droplets of milk dripping off of the ears of the men in front of me.

So to sum up my feelings on breastfeeding let me reiterate. If the kid knows where the milk is coming from, can undo the buttons, zippers, snaps, etc. to get to it, he or she is probably too old to be nursing. Finally, not every one is coordinated enough to discretely breastfeed in public. So think carefully before undertaking such a feat!